Ask Questions to Deepen Your UnderstandingFrom: Dr. Frank Gunzburg As the offending partner, there is one critical question you should ask your spouse if you want to develop a truly deep understanding of the pain you have caused. Formulated simply, this question should be something like:
If there is one question you want to ask your partner to uncover what is truly going on inside of her, this is the question to ask. Then, after an explanation, you can either use the technique I explained in Step 3 to deepen your understanding or you can continue to investigate with more questions. A few follow-up questions or statements you might try are: · Tell me more.
· Is there more?
· What more can you tell me? Take a moment to notice how these questions are formulated. They don’t say anything about what your spouse should tell you. They leave the field completely open, and they are completely generic. They don’t lead your spouse to any particular destination, but they offer the opportunity for him or her to share more information with you. This is important because your spouse doesn’t want to feel like he or she is being lead anywhere during this communication process. The spotlight shouldn’t be on you, and you shouldn’t be directing this process in any way. All you’re doing is asking for more information and trying to uncover as much as you can about what is going on for your partner. Your objective is deepening your own understanding of his or her thoughts, intentions, and feelings – as much as possible to fully understand your spouse’s experience. Think of the American Indian adage, “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.” This is what you are trying to accomplish verbally. You are doing this so you can open up the doors to healing. You aren’t being fatalistic or masochistic by investigating the pain you caused your partner. The simple act of sharing this information is healing. But what you really want to do is use this information so you can understand how hurt your partner was, give a heartfelt apology, and refrain from making the same mistake again. This is the way you will heal your marriage. This is the way your spouse will eventually be able to forgive you. This is the way you can actively be involved in the process of acceptance. In essence, what you want to do is investigate the pain you caused so you can effectively change your actions in ways that will heal your relationship. You are creating the possibility for healing your marriage by engaging in a discussion about the terrible thing you have done. You are going through the “surgery” I described in the “cancer” analogy early in the guide. This process might be difficult for you. It makes sense that it would be. You hurt the person you want to care about most in this world in a very serious way. But if you go through this difficult time and you use the information you gather in this process in a meaningful way, you will get through it. Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/ |