How Growing Independently Will Help You Grow As a CoupleFrom: Dr. Frank Gunzburg Growing individually helps you grow as a couple in many ways. The first is that every time you expand yourself, you contribute something new to the relationship. The more you grow, the more you contribute to the relationship. Just as important, however, is the fact that you might have needs that are best met outside your relationship. If you are a person who has a thirst for individual growth or if you are engaged in activities that do not necessarily involve your partner, but bring you a great deal of personal satisfaction, these individual activities need consideration. Ignoring these needs sometimes causes suffering similar to neglecting a relationship need. Whether you continue to do your personal activities depends on your situation. Anytime you move from one developmental level to the next, you make changes in what you do and don’t do, and what you take with you from your previous developmental level depends on the changes you are making. For example, if the husband in a marriage has been spending his evenings and parts of each weekend maintaining his tennis abilities and now the couple has children, is it fair for him to continue the same pace and neglect his fatherly duties and pleasures? On the other hand, when these activities can be adapted to the new circumstances and do not create a fissure in the relationship, the activity can be invigorating to the relationship. The key here is not to grow as an individual in a vacuum. Share what you are doing and how you are growing with your partner. This allows them to participate in your growth and feel like they are a part of your life. The important note here is that you are a partnership, and you don’t want to use the personal activity as a wedge between you. If you are in a position where you feel as though your personal growth has been stunted and you feel anger or resentment about this, it is time to assess what you can do to promote your own growth and beat this pattern of regret. In order to help you do this, go to your workbook again. In it, address the following issues: · What is missing in your personal life right now?
· How could you practically change that? What action could you take that would move you in the direction of personal fulfillment without neglecting your partner?
· If you are at a complete loss as to how to answer this question, think about things you did in the past that brought you fulfillment as an individual. What were they?
· Create an action plan to put these ideas into effect. Take one of the things you would like to start doing and decide on a time to start doing it. First, though, discuss your plan with your partner. Together, figure out how you can implement your desire with the least negative impact on your relationship. Certainly, you don’t want to victimize you partner by shirking your responsibilities.
· Keep your partner in the loop about your desires and plans. There is a word of caution that needs to be stated here. Going outside your relationship to get your sexual desires fulfilled is not a way of growing independently in order to help your relationship. You have to be careful with whom you do your personal activities, and make sure your partner is not threatened by the people involved. Fulfilling individual desires should not be seen as an opportunity for the cheater to breach boundaries in new and subtle ways. It is a way for you to be fulfilled as a person and to help your relationship grow. Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/ |