How to Put an End to Obsessive Thoughts

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Do you constantly think about the way your partner betrayed you? Are you obsessed with the offense?

If so, there is a way for you to change this obsessive thinking, and I will teach you how to do that in this step of the program, so you can overcome this obstacle and keep moving toward your goal of forgiveness.

In this guide, I will refer to this kind of thinking as “obsessive” thinking. I use the word “obsessive” in the way a layman might. The clinical definition of “obsessive” is different. For now, we will use it to mean “thoughts that come up over and over again.”

You can’t alter the thought itself the way we dealt with images in the previous step, but you can reduce (and even get rid of) the occurrences by learning how to punish yourself when the thought comes up and reward yourself when you successfully think of something else.

This might seem like a really simplistic way to approach obsessive thoughts, but this is a process I’ve been using almost as long as I have been in practice, and I have seen it work again and again.

Here’s how you do it.

If you have recurring thoughts that you can’t seem to get rid of, each time the thought comes up, punish yourself. Now when I say “punish,” I don’t mean that you have to hurt yourself. You just need to create some discomfort. There has been research showing that negative punishment is not any more effective if it involves pain – it just needs to create discomfort.

There are any number of ways you can do this. You can bite your tongue. You can step on your toe. You can pinch yourself. You can take a rubber band and snap it on your wrist. You can roll up your car windows and scream “Stop!” at the top of your lungs. Any similar activity that creates some discomfort will suffice.

Remember: Do not injure yourself – there is no benefit to pain!

You don’t want to chomp down on your tongue so it is almost pierced. Don’t pinch yourself so that it turns red. Just create mild discomfort each time the thing you are obsessing about comes up.

After the thought goes away, reinforce this process by rewarding yourself with something. That could be a sweet taste, such as an M&M, or you might think a delightful thought, such as a memory of a wonderful vacation you once took or a vacation you are planning.

To help with this process, have a half a dozen different thoughts that are really pleasurable for you in mind. That way when you do the exercise, you will have them readily at hand. You might even want to write them down on a card that you keep with you, so you can easily recall a rewarding thought when you need it.

The proper dosage for this treatment is that for every hour on the hour that you are awake, you do the exercise – give or take – you don’t have to be perfect about the timing. If you are not thinking a bothersome thought, then intentionally think of one and go through the exercise.

In addition, any time one of the bothersome thoughts comes to you unbidden, do the exercise. At first, you will probably be doing it a lot – it might even seem that most of your day is devoted to the exercise. However, the more often you do it, the more effective its potential.

That’s it. The exercise is that simple. Punish yourself in some way that causes you discomfort when the thought comes up, and after it has gone away, give yourself a reward that brings you pleasure.

By using this exercise, you will train yourself to stop obsessing about these thoughts in time. In fact, it shouldn’t take too long for this to happen. You should see a serious reduction in the recurring thoughts you are suffering from within a few weeks. If you don’t, it is likely because you aren’t being consistent with the exercise, so make sure you do it as consistently as you can.

Most people get the maximum benefit within the first three weeks. If you haven’t noticed any difference after two weeks of consistent use of this exercise, then it probably won’t work for you.

What you are looking for as you pursue this path of acceptance (and ultimately, forgiveness) is a reduction in the intensity and regularity of your painful emotions. Assuming that your partner is doing his or her part to repair the damage – demonstrating an acceptance of personal responsibility for his or her misbehavior, acting trustworthy in the present, and reassuring you – and as you begin to undermine the recurring images you have been suffering from and free yourself from obsessive thoughts, you will find that the offense will begin to move to the background of your mind. You won’t be thinking of it all the time. You won’t have terrible feelings about it every waking moment. In short, you will be nearing your goal of forgiveness.

But before you reach your destination, there is one more thing you want. You want to be certain that your partner won’t commit the same offense again. You don’t want to be duped and made to feel a fool by forgiving your spouse, only to have him or her pull the wool over your eyes again.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/

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