Repeating Shows UnderstandingFrom: Dr. Frank Gunzburg After you have patiently listened to what your spouse is trying to tell you, the next step is to state your understanding of what you were told. The reason you do this is to make sure you understand what your partner is saying. You want to develop an awareness of the information being shared, and one way to do that is to repeat back your understanding of what was said. When I say “repeat back,” I don’t mean you should “repeat” in the literal sense. You don’t want to mimic the words your partner has used. Instead, you want to say it back in words that make sense to you and that put your partner in a good light. This way you are demonstrating that you are actively listening and are putting some effort into trying to understand your partner. If all you do is repeat what your partner has just shared all it proves is that you heard him or her. It doesn’t show that you understand what was said. Even saying, “I understand,” doesn’t demonstrate anything. You need to explain back in a way that doesn’t shift the spotlight away from your partner. Don’t try and explain yourself or your actions. Don’t try and defend yourself against what your spouse is saying. Just make a straight statement explaining your understanding of your partner’s feelings. Keep in mind that when you do this, what you are doing is guessing at what your partner is feeling. The reason you repeat back your understanding of what has been shared is so you can make sure that you understand your partner as completely as possible. You can’t know if your understanding is accurate until you check in about it. You might feel absolutely certain that you know, and maybe in this case you do, but you can’t know that you know until you check in with your partner. Only your partner knows what he or she means. You should be able to see that what you are really trying to do here is help the person you are listening to (in this case your partner) develop his or her own meaning. You are helping to draw out what your partner is really trying to communicate by listening to what was said and then guessing at an understanding of it, which you share out loud for conformation or denial. You’re peeling back the layers, if you want to use a different analogy. Your spouse might not fully realize what he or she is trying to share. In the example above, the fellow who is excited about the sun shining might not even initially realize the correlation between what he is saying and what he is really excited about. Allow your partner the freedom to change what is being said as the ideas are developed. The more you repeat back what your spouse says, share your guessed understanding of the information being shared, and investigate it, the more you peel back the layers on this issue. On the surface, your coworker might simply think, “Hey, I have happy thoughts because the sun is shining.” But when you dig deeper, you begin to uncover that there is a strong emotional correlation between the sun shining and some other issues he has going on. In the example above, the fellow you are talking to hasn’t seen Steve in three years. Perhaps Steve was a very important part of his life at one point. Now that he’s going to spend some time with Steve again, he’s really excited about it. The same is true about your partner as he or she begins to share his or her feelings with you. Your spouse might not get at exactly what he or she wants to communicate the first time around. By repeating back your understanding of what is being said and making a guess at the meaning, you are offering an opportunity to expand on, change, or completely reverse what your partner is sharing. This means that you don’t hold your spouse to any standard. You don’t say, “Ah, but just a moment ago you said this. Now you are saying that, and it directly contradicts what you just said. See, you don’t even know what you are trying to say at all. What is it? Is it this or that?” This process isn’t about trying to nail your spouse down on the “truth,” it’s about investigating your partner’s experience and trying to understand it. What you should be trying to do by repeating back your understanding of what your spouse has said is two things: 1. You should be attentive so you can develop a deeper understanding of what is really going on for your partner.
2. You should try and help your partner develop what he or she is trying to share in real time. Nobody has all their thoughts and feelings nailed down before they start a conversation. These things develop in the moment. Repeating back this way is a method for helping to uncover what your partner is really thinking and feeling. If you want to develop a deeper understanding of what your partner is saying, it is likely you will go back and forth several times, as in the example above. Your spouse will share some information, you will repeat back what you understood, he or she will revise the statement, you will repeat this back, etc. But there’s more to it still. Not only do you want to repeat back what has been said, but you want to take the hit for your responsibility in the situation. Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/ |