Understanding Your Pain in the Form of an Illness

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

The situation you are going through is a little bit like you are suffering with a chronic and potentially fatal illness – let’s say cancer. This cancer of betrayal is painful, and it’s eating away at the life blood of your relationship. Both of you are in pain all the time. You live with this terrible disease, and all you can see in front of you are the dire possibilities that the future holds.

You could continue giving yourself band-aid treatments that make the pain go away for brief periods. You could deny your emotions. You could pretend that this terrible thing never happened. You could try and “forget about the past” and “move on with your normal life.”

For a while it might even seem like these band-aids are helping your relationship quite a lot. The pain goes away for a short time, and you are able to live your life in a somewhat normal way.

But all the while, the cancer is still there – lurking under the surface, ready to tear your marriage apart. Eventually it’s going to rear its ugly head, and then all that pain is going to come back – tenfold.

Now let’s imagine that one day someone tells you there is a surgery you can have that will permanently free you from this cancer of betrayal. You find out from a doctor that there is a procedure you can undergo that will free you from the pain you are in and remove the danger that this cancer represents.

You’re a little scared though. The surgery doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy, and your afraid of being in more pain. The follow-up treatments will take work and investments of time, and they will sometimes be painful. What’s more, you are going to have to be willing to open up and expose some parts of yourself that you have been trying to hide from.

On the other side of this surgery, however, you aren’t going to have cancer anymore. You are going to be free from the pain and fear you live with right now. You’re going to be able to move on with your life again in a genuine way, without the denial and buried rage you feel right now. You are going to be able to move forward to a better future – together – with your spouse.

This is the choice you are faced with right now. What I am offering you in this guide is surgery. It is a way for both of you to free yourselves from the pain you are feeling right now. It is a method of cutting out the cancer of betrayal so you can eliminate this illness that has been sapping the lifeblood out of your marriage.

You can carry on with all of the little band-aid treatments you have been giving yourself. For a while, you might do okay. The pain might subside, and you might even feel like you are able to live a “normal” life for a while.

But the cancer is still there.

If both of you are willing to commit to this path of acceptance together, you can go through this surgery once. Then, as long as you continue the authenticity you have begun, you will be done with it. You can get rid of the cancer that is eating away at your marriage. You can be free to build the life you have always dreamed of together.

You can forgive and move into a future that is brighter and happier than you have ever dreamed possible.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.

For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/

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