Why Can’t I Just Get over It?From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg One of the first problems you will face as you start down this path of acceptance is how to let go of the emotions that come up every time you think about your partner’s transgression (whatever it might have been). After all, it is very difficult to move toward forgiveness when you are pulled down into the whirlpool of agony every time you think about the problem. Even if you aren’t completely conscious of it right now, it is likely you are still suffering from some emotions you haven’t completely dealt with. After all, you wouldn’t feel the need to forgive if you had already worked through all of the pain and problems you are facing. Do you find yourself blowing up at your partner at unexpected moments and just unloading – not just about the current situation, but about other unrelated misbehaviors as well. I refer to this as “kitchen-sinking” – when you begin “throwing in the kitchen sink” when you are set off by one reminder or behavior. Maybe it works a little differently for you. Perhaps you don’t blow up, but the emotions seethe under the surface. This situation is just a variation of holding on to the anger and resentment. When you are seething under the surface, you might fool yourself at times into thinking that you have successfully overcome your wrath because you are not openly exploding.
It’s true that your spouse failed to consider you and wasn’t vigilant about the impact of his or her behavior on you, but that’s no excuse for you to do the same thing. Be aware of the impact your behavior has on your partner. You want to build or rebuild your relationship, not tear it down. In order to achieve this goal, you must have two participating adults giving respect to each other. How do you move on from your dilemma? The truth is that many people who have been betrayed by their partner or are offended in some serious way unconsciously hold on to their pain and anger for a variety of reasons. Understanding your purpose or intention in holding onto this pain is the first step to letting it go. There’s a place for anger, and I don’t expect your anger to just disappear. But if you get so swamped by your angry feelings that you act in some of the ways described above, then you aren’t going to be able to heal your relationship. You will be stuck in your resentment with nowhere to go. Is it time for you to let go of these angry behaviors? Only you can say for sure, but if they have reached the point of diminishing returns, this should be high on your list of considerations. The problem is: How do you do that? How can you let go of the anger if you are still feeling so raw? How can you overcome the pain you are in right now so you can move past this resentment? How can you move forward down the path of acceptance when you can’t even get your partner to understand how hurt you truly are? The key lies in that final question. Most of the reason people remain angry for so long is because they have a hard time effectively communicating with their partner about their pain. You need to be able to communicate how you feel to your partner so you can free yourself from the grip of these terrible emotions that are plaguing you and the anger that is related to all this pain. That is one of the ways you are going to overcome the storm of emotions that is plaguing you right now. Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. For more information about forgiving your partner and working through the past, please visit http://www.howyouforgive.com/ |